My Friend Said I Was the One That Got Away. He Couldn’t Have Picked a Worse Messenger.
Slate · L · trust 16/100
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here .
I’ve had a close male friend that I’ve been secretly in love with for years. We have almost always lived in different cities and frankly, our lifestyles are fairly different to the point that I had all but discarded the idea that we could ever be in a romantic relationship. Aside from a fun weeklong fling over a decade ago, we’ve always kept it platonic, mostly because one of us was always dating someone in the couple of times a year we’d see each other. Flash forward to this year when I told him my boyfriend and I were getting married.
He seemed shocked, but happy for me, came out to help me prepare for the big day and was an all-around champ. After the wedding I talked to my new mother-in-law and was shocked to find out that he referred to me as “the one who got away” in his own life. What? I never went anywhere and he never said anything! I used to tell my girlfriends that he was the one I’d run away with if he ever expressed any interest. Now, two days after my wedding I’m stuck with this thought that we’ve been mutually and silently in love with each other for years. How did I get stuck in a bad rom-com script? And why would he say that to my new MIL of all people. (She looked at me pointedly when she told me about it later.) BTW, I love my husband dearly and we have a lovely life together. I’m not interested in leaving, nor do I regret any decision I’ve made. Mostly I wonder how I go on knowing there was a possibility for that other life I always dreamed of but never believed in. Do I ever say anything to him about this? —Friends?
Years ago you tried each other out as romantic partners and decided to keep it platonic. Maybe this is a classic O. Henry kind of story where you were each mutually misreading the other’s signals that you were the One. But if your communication is so bad that neither of you could say, “You’re the one,” then you don’t belong together. I don’t find it a charming plot twist that your friend confesses to your new mother-in-law (!) that you’re the one who got away. Instead it is rude and passive-aggressive. Yes, it’s possible he blurted this out to your mother-in-law after too much to drink, and by way of praising your charms. But it doesn’t have that feel, does it? Presumably, he thought she would pass on this tidbit, thus putting a pall over your honeymoon. That’s not something a friend does. There’s a reason your dreams of this guy never became reality. As he’s demonstrated, in reality he sounds kind of manipulative. You go on by realizing that every life is full of possibilities not taken. But that thank goodness you took the one that was right for you. In keeping with his backhanded way of getting a message to you, I think you should just act as if you never received it.
From: Help! The Man I’ve Been Secretly in Love With Just Confessed His Feelings—At My Wedding . (December 23rd, 2013).
Thanks! Your question has been submitted.
My ex-husband remarried last year to a woman from another country. She is very kind and gets on well with my 6-year-old son, which is a huge blessing. The only thing I find awkward is her tendency for lots of tactile interaction, even with me. She’s an avid hugger and every hello and goodbye is accompanied by kisses to both cheeks, not to mention an invariable arm over my shoulder or around the waist. I went along with it initially, so as not to alienate my son’s stepmom, but now I do feel a little embarrassed, especially as she takes on more parenting duties. At my son’s soccer last week she not only sat next to me, but held my hand throughout the game, drawing strange looks from other parents. Is there a nice way to tell her to cut back on the affection (in public at least) without seeming rude, or like a hypocrite who has been playing along all this while?
I can understand that more eyes were on you two than on the game as people were trying to figure out whether they’d gotten it wrong about exactly whose partner Francesca is. Good for you for figuratively embracing this new person in your son’s life. But you should not feel pressured to translate that into literal contact. It’s one thing to do the cheek kiss at the door (although that’s pretty cheeky for the second wife to initiate that with the first), but you need to firmly but pleasantly let her know there will be no hand-holding, etc. You should also check in with your husband and say while you understand that Francesca comes from a culture with different standards of physical contact, since she lives here now, you want to make sure your son doesn’t feel uncomfortable and violated by her tactile expectations.
From: Help! My Ex-Husband’s New Wife Holds My Hand All the Time . (December 17th, 2013).
Three years ago at 34, I married my wife, who I thought was 33. We both wanted children, but when this didn’t happen we began consulting a fertility specialist. After she started asking questions, my wife admitted she is actually eight years older than she had led me to believe. She’s 44 years old! She’s willing to try massive doses of hormones to get pregnant, but I don’t want her to do that for health reasons. I’m willing to consider adoption. She says, of course, that she feared I would walk away if I knew the truth, but she must have known it would come out sometime. I think I still love her, but I feel so betrayed! Any thoughts on helping us get through this?
Let’s get to the most important issue first—what is your wife’s beauty regime because if she convincingly looks eight years younger she’s doing something right. You say you’re willing to consider adoption, but I think that gets you to the wrong kind of professional. If I were you, I’d be considering the services of a lawyer. People betray their spouses all the time. But letting a husband believe you’re years younger than you…
Read the original at Slate →
Open in TruthVane →