My Sister Just Revealed What She’s Really Been Up to With an Older Cousin. Our Family Wants Me to Keep an “Open Mind.”
Slate · L · trust 44/100
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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here .
My sister and I attend the same college and are very close in age. We’ve had some growing pains around establishing our own circles/identities since I came to school, but things have mostly settled as we’re spending the summer working/studying away from home.
I’m writing because over this past school year, our older cousin (10+ year age gap) has treated my sister to fancy dinners and experiences in a big city near our school. She reassured me that she everything was normal and she was just having fun. Not so, Prudie!
She recently shared with me that she does have feelings for him—they confessed their love during her last visit! I was disgusted, and being headstrong and not accustomed to male attention, she replied that she wouldn’t entertain my opinion if it wasn’t supportive. Later, our mother told me to keep an “open mind” about the cousin thing/age gap and, when I didn’t budge, to keep my opinion to myself for the sake of our family. Cousin marriage is culturally ingrained around here, but our extended family have all immigrated here and are fairly progressive. I suspect our father, who was estranged when we were younger, and much of our family would oppose the relationship, but they don’t even know. Our mother, for her part, hopes my sister will come to her own sense sans any intervention, and is upset that I’ve lost respect for her because the changes to our sisterly dynamic from my freshman year have “put enough pressure on her.” I’m still young and financially dependent, so as much as I want to scream, cry, and vomit, I can’t afford to blow things up. She could pick literally anyone else that’s not her cousin and is her age! What to do?
Your sister falling in love with her (and, I guess your) cousin is not ideal, but it’s more in the category of “taboo,” “weird,” or “frowned upon” than “scream, cry, and vomit.” Your response strikes me as a bit overblown. You don’t have to do anything about this! It’s not your relationship and no one is being harmed. I don’t expect you to get over your strong reaction. Go ahead and dump it in a stream-of-consciousness in a journal (or even scream, cry, and vomit about it in private if you must), but do not antagonize your sister over this. Your relationship has already been strained by the college experience and I also sense something else going on in the way you describe her as “not used to male attention.” If she already feels looked down upon by you, and has perhaps felt less close to you recently, you two are on shaky ground. An effort to tear down this relationship could really leave a permanent scar. Be very cautious. I’m sure you’d rather have a sister in a relationship that makes you want to throw up than no sister at all.
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Due to some very unfortunate parenting combined with mental illness, I spent my teen years with my aunt. My aunt had three girls, two of whom I baby sat all the time. We are close. The third child (“Mary”) was born after I was out of the house and had a different father than the first two. I don’t know her as well, but she was a sweet, beautiful child, and everyone loved her. Sadly, Mary became addicted to drugs in her teens. 30 years later, she is now paying a terrible price. She ignored MRSA in both legs and has had to have one amputated. They are attempting to save the other leg. Her drug use cut her off from her family for years, but now that she really needs them, they are not there for her.
Her mother and sisters keep making excuses about why they can’t visit. The sisters say they are busy with kids and my aunt needs help to navigate the hospital due to mobility issues. I am 500 miles away and they are only 20. This is breaking my heart. No matter what she has done, she doesn’t deserve this. What can I kindly say to them to convince them to show some compassion and just step up and do the right thing?
This is incredibly sad for everyone involved. Unfortunately, there’s something I’ve noticed in my own family, in the families of my friends, and in the families I read about in many letters: Some people are inclined to step up and be caretakers when their relatives need help. Others simply aren’t. And no amount of asking, guilt-tripping, pressuring, or scheduling conference calls and assigning duties ever really changes that. Your cousin’s mom and sisters might all be flaky, self-centered people. More likely, they’re people who have been burned and betrayed by Mary multiple times over the years, have long known she’ll suffer serious consequences as the result of her drug use, and just don’t feel they can afford to invest any more energy.
I’m not saying that position is commendable, but I do think it’s probably pretty permanent—and definitely not likely to be adjusted based on a phone call saying “Step up and do the right thing!” Your heart will break over and over if you keep thinking about why they don’t feel the compassion you do. Instead, even from far away, you can decide how much help you’re personally willing to offer (visits? Regular check-ins? Research on the services available to help her navigate living with a disability?) and then jump in and try to make Mary’s life better.
I have been with my significant other for five years and helped raise his daughter since she was a toddler. She is now 8, and her behavior—and his enabling—is pushing me to my breaking point. She demands her father do everything for her, including bathing and dressing her, and he complies. She runs around the house in her underwear, which he excuses by saying she is “little enough.” Her desperate need to be the absolute center of attention…
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