My Job Takes Me Away to Sea. I Gave My Boyfriend Permission to Use a Coping Mechanism. I Wish I Hadn’t.
Slate · L · trust 43/100
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I’m a 29-year-old female marine biologist. Due to the nature of my job, I often spend a lot of time at sea and away from everyone else except my research team for months at a time. Which is why my relationship with “Charlie,” male, 30, is a non-exclusive one and has been since we started seeing each other about two and a half years ago.
Put simply, if I’m away for four months at a time, I figured he wasn’t going to stay celibate away from me, which meant either the relationship had a shelf life until my first assignment, or we could do it this way. So I know he’s with other women when I’m not around, and he makes sure to keep me informed in general terms about how things are going and regular STI results for when I’m about to get back. He’s careful, and given the circumstances, I couldn’t really ask for more.
I was fine with it, at first. Lately, though, thinking of him with someone else has been bothering me. But I don’t really feel like I can change the terms of the relationship on the basis of, “I know I said X at the time, but now I don’t want to do that anymore, so let’s do Y instead.” I suspect he wouldn’t want to anyway, and I don’t really like the thought of making him go without.
Still, I can’t get the intrusive thoughts out of my head. I want to keep him, such as it is, but I also don’t want to keep doing this, which would probably mean leaving my job. But my specialty is a niche one, and that would mean essentially giving up my entire career. I don’t want to do that either. Help!
Beliefs about heterosexual men that lead to assuming they won’t honor commitments around monogamy, or simply need to have constant sexual interaction in order to stay faithful in a relationship, are sometimes true and far from always the case. There are plenty of men in the world who only want or enjoy sex when there’s emotional investment, who are monogamous to such a degree that it seems more like an orientation than a preference, or who are willing to engage in the widespread adult practice of tolerating discomfort and the absence of an ideal out of gratitude for what they have, and respect for the feelings of the person they have it with. Sometimes (though there’s no guarantee that this is true for Charlie), straight dudes are going through the motions of hooking up because their partner introduced an open relationship structure and they feel that this is what’s expected of them, but don’t, inherently, want the openness or are happy for their partners to have lovers and have no real interest in lovers of their own. To me, what Charlie wants and would accept is a massive question mark with a wide variety of answers.
You assumed that fidelity wasn’t on the table, didn’t seem to have directly inquired, and started by offering a compromise you didn’t fully want. You asked for what you imagined was possible, without finding out what actually was. You found the situation tolerable, no longer do, and are avoiding the discussion because you believe—again, with no mention of any discussion where you would have been able to find out facts of Charlie’s position—he won’t agree to change the structure of your relationship. Talk to Charlie, let him know what’s bothering you, ask what he wants, and think together about scenarios that are likely to be a better fit.
Consent is an active and ongoing practice. In the same way that anyone is free to say, mid-thrust, that they want to stop, pause, or change something about a sex act that is happening, you do have the right to say that you’ve realized X is not working for you, in this way and that way, and need something to change. How Charlie responds is likely to let you know a lot about whether the relationship is worth continuing, and how much he’s willing to make compromises to keep things reasonably feasible.
Regardless of how things go with Charlie, take a long look at why you’re considering sacrificing your career in order to “keep him, such as it is.” Talk it over with friends. If you have the appropriate kind of rapport with colleagues, get their insight on how different types of relationships work (and don’t work) for marine biologists. Consider your values and tendencies with romantic partners in general, the relationship you have with Charlie, and also how these long periods of isolation affect the rest of your social life and your emotional well-being. Get a deeper understanding of why walking away from your speciality feels like an option before you make any moves that risk your professional standing.
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I, a 38-year-old woman, am a collared submissive in an amazing relationship with the man of my dreams, my Daddy Dom. We have a full-time D/s dynamic that is incredibly fulfilling and rewarding for us both. Our kinks and limits are fully aligned, and we bring each other so much joy. I have never felt love like this before and have never been loved so well.
I have always considered myself a complete submissive, with not a single bratty bone in my body. However, my Daddy has awakened a switch side in me that we both LOVE. It’s rarely a planned event, and when I switch, it is very intense and feels very natural. I am submissive almost 24/7, so slipping into and coming out of the dominant persona is very challenging. It can take days to feel “normal” again and properly return to our dynamic. During this transition time, I feel quite uneasy and uncertain about myself and my place in the world. My anxiety really flares up, and daily life becomes quite difficult. We usually handle this by backing off from some of our rules and protocols until I feel like myself again.
Ideally, we would love to explore my dominant side more often and more easily. The anxiety and disruption to our dynamic, my sense of identity, and life make me reluctant to switch, but it’s something we both enjoy so very much when it…
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