My Neighbor Has Kids. I Have Kids. I’m Horrified by What She Thinks This Means.
Slate · L · trust 43/100
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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here .
I have twin girls who are 10. Their best friend, “Sarah,” is 9 and lived across the street until a few months ago, when her parents divorced. Sarah moved with her mom across town while her dad moved his girlfriend in with her two girls.
It is a huge stinking mess and made worse when we have Sarah most days because her mom works, I work from home, and the girls are just a little too young to stay home by themselves. The girlfriend seems to think I am running a free babysitting service and will send her kids over if she sees Sarah at my place. I have to interrupt my day in order to send them back and text my neighbor that my arrangement was with Sarah’s mom, not her dad, since he gets weekends.
The girlfriend is all fake smiles and complaints about not having a “real” community to fall back on since the move. I don’t give a crap. Her kids are several years younger than Sarah, and we have two large dogs and a pool. I trust the girls enough to know that they will obey the rules, come get me if anything happens (my office looks outside to the pool), and feed and clean up after themselves.
This woman will not give up. And now with school starting, she tries to corner me every time I get the mail about carpooling. I tried being diplomatic. I tried being straight up. Nothing fazes this woman, and my neighbor has the emotional intelligence of a mud puddle. Sarah confessed she got yelled at because she wasn’t happy about her new “siblings” stealing her stuff. She needs to “share.” I can’t help that. I can only help Sarah by giving her and her mom some room to breathe. My husband is on an overseas assignment, so it is just me. This isn’t going to end because of summer. The school cut the after-school programs and widened the circle of where buses don’t run. I have already agreed with Sarah’s mom that if she figures out her drop-off and pick-ups within reason, I would take Sarah. I still have to live across from these people. Help!
My first impulse was to encourage you to simply let the girls come over to your yard and play. While you don’t like their mom and shouldn’t have to officially host them, what’s the worst that could happen if they are hanging out in your yard? Then I answered my own question: The worst that could happen is that one of them could drown in your pool or get hurt in some other way. Obviously we can’t let that happen because it would be a tragedy, but it could also put you in a bad legal position. So while it goes against my initial instincts to put you in conflict with your neighbor or deprive any of the girls of an opportunity for fun and friendship, this is actually pretty serious.
If you haven’t already said it directly, you should tell the girlfriend (in writing, over text), “It is not safe for you to send your younger girls here to play because I can’t be responsible for supervising them while I’m working. I know you don’t want to see a tragedy involving the pool, the dogs, or anything else that little kids can get into, and I definitely don’t either. The older girls are responsible enough to have the run of the house and yard by themselves, but it’s unacceptable for the little girls to be unsupervised. This is about safety and also about my liability. Please do not allow them to come onto my property. Do you understand? If I see them here, they are at risk, and I will have to contact the appropriate authorities.”
If you can muster any shred of generosity, you could add the following: “I understand that they want to see their stepsister when she is here, and I know it must be hard for them if they know she is across the street and they can’t hang out with her. I’ll encourage Sarah and the twins to play inside as much as possible so the situation isn’t as challenging. As a mom, I also totally understand that you need community and support, and I’m happy to have all the girls over for a pre-planned play date for a couple of hours at a time when I’m not working.” While your husband isn’t physically present, he should support you by reiterating this message.
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My husband, “Mark,” and I put food on our porch every day for a couple of cats that were abandoned by some neighbors who moved away. We are trying to find placement for them, but our local cat rescues are all full and everyone we know has all the cats they want. The trouble is that our next-door neighbors allow their dogs to run loose in their front yard, and the dogs regularly come over and clean out all the food. They also add insult to injury by pooping in our flower beds.
Our requests to them to keep the dogs off our property have been met with rudeness and retorts that we are creating “an attractive nuisance.” After the food was stolen for a third time the other day, Mark said he’s had it and plans on lacing some peanut butter with laxatives. I find myself torn here. On the one hand, I think that’s kind of a mean thing to do, but on the other hand, I’m sick of being out the money for food and having dog poop everywhere. Bringing the cats inside our house until we find a new home for them isn’t an option since I’m allergic. Animal control won’t do anything since the dogs aren’t being aggressive toward anyone. Should I agree to Mark’s idea?
Wait a minute. Explain to me how you two love animals so much that you’ve taken two homeless cats under your wing, but you’re willing to give innocent dogs gastrointestinal distress to punish their owners. That doesn’t make any sense. Also, it’s so mean. Don’t do it.
There must be another solution. For example, have you really explored the power of antihistamines to allow you to make…
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